MEGAN NOLAN: Acts of Desperation .2

Artwork by Andrew Forbes-Macphail
Artwork by Andrew Forbes-Macphail

I AM A PLAGIARIST, a fraud and a woman. All I have ever written about is men. I exist in relation to them, I have let this happen. My pain is created by them, mitigated by them, absolved by them. The great moments of happiness in my life have been with men. The violence I have suffered has been at their whim—but whose isn’t?

Even my own violence, the violence I have chosen or created, has been created in relation to men. I am incapable of manufacturing destruction unique to myself or even unique to my gender. The violence I inflict is always about or because of or to do with men. The ruin of my female body is done as theatrical rebuke, a performance to incite disgust and fear.

When I fuck people I don’t want to fuck, when I do things which alarm and upset me, I am doing violence to myself which is also intended as a violence to the men I know. These men include those who love me and wish for my safety and peace. What psychotic woman can tell the difference, eventually, between a man who wants her safe so she can be happy, and a man who wants her safe so he can destroy her in private?

I hurt myself to hurt them, to drive them away from me so that I can some day be truly safe; that is: alone; that is: dead.
 
 

Megan Nolan
Megan Nolan 4 Articles
MEGAN NOLAN was born in 1990 in Waterford, Ireland and is based in London. Her writing includes essays, fiction and reviews which have been published widely including in E.R.O.S. Journal and The Guardian. Readings and performances commissioned across the U.K. and Ireland have included the Irish Museum of Modern Art, Goldsmiths Lit Live, Cubitt Gallery, Wysing Arts Centre and the South London Gallery. Internationally, her work has also appeared at Hyper Local Festival in Buenos Aires and the Sandberg Institute's "Wandering School" in Milan.   She is currently working on her first book of creative non-fiction concerned with the subjection of female identity in romantic relationships and body dysphoria.